worth laughing at

Today, I’m going to the eye doctor. I’ve already been once this month, but this is a progressive eye doctor who allows patients to test out the new prescription for a few weeks before ordering a whole set of lenses.

Buying new contacts is no big deal, but I was thinking about getting some new glasses too. Only vision-impaired people will understand why this intimidates me, the ones who in addition to the annoyance of growing blind also suffered through the eighties, barely escaping without our faces developing enormous permanent circles stretching around the eyes and down, down to the very ends of our noses.

After a succession of unflattering frames, I am now desperate enough to purchase some name brand sophistication in dark plastic with a markup of about 3,000%. This is the very mentality which leads a normally prudent woman to indulge in Ralph Lauren frames and extra-slender-glare-defender-easy-spender lenses. I know, because this happened to my mother. Still, the “complimentary gift” fruit basket she received the next day was nice.

My aunt (on the phone):  What did you have for dinner?

Grandma:  I don’t know.  Something you roll up.

Mom (in background):  Homemade tortillas…

Grandma:  Homemade tortillas.

Mom: refried beans, fresh tomatoes…

Grandma:  refried beans, fresh tomatoes…

Mom:  guacamole…

Grandma:  Glock- glock, uh… glock-uh-moly.

I collected an amusing collage of sights on the bus ride home: the pink bubble on the lips of the bus driver, a plump belly jiggling as its owner rode his lawn mower over a bumpy lawn, and blue balloons bobbing along my sidewalk, almost pretty now that the grass is green and the sun is shining.

This morning I saw a student pedaling his unicycle as fast as it would go on his way to class.

Twice now, I’ve seen the girl who sings along to her i-pod as she walks around campus.  I’ve heard that she also does this in the library.

Yesterday I ran into Violet, the only other Hillsdale graduate here, and ended up sitting next to her on the bus home.

As I was about to get off the bus, a huge coca-cola truck drove by on the sidewalk and in the bike lane.

I had a few minutes before catching the bus today, and it’s still chilly out, so I went inside the Union and plopped down on a love seat in front of the aquarium full of blue and orange fish. I think these colors are supposed to indicate that the fish are alumni.

I don’t know about all fish, but these lipped their way around the tank peacefully, sucking the surfaces for delicacies or blankly grimacing at strangers. A tiny little orange fish practiced the fish face moves but seemed to get fastened on to the decorative rocks with his tail straight up. Some of the fish cast an approving eye (whichever one happened to be handy) towards the nearest couch, where what looked like one large sleeping person turned out be two non-sleeping persons. They had fish faces too.

“I would sit in the back of the Jehovah’s Witness meetings and think, ‘This would be much worse if I was sober.’”

“Truck!” *crunch*

“I think you might be looking for someone boring.”

“Don’t you think you might languish in the High Schools? I see you as more of a Classics PhD student.”

“So, in Ch. 14 of the Iliad, if Hera was armed with the weapons of feminine seduction in her ‘battle’ with Zeus, what weapons did Zeus… uh, never mind, let’s move on.”
“You are, by far, the best person with grades ever.

“That’s spelled t-a-p-a-s, NOT t-o-p-l-e-s-s.”

“Atque ego hunc non video… heu.”

“Someday we’ll get to Heaven, and I’d just hate to have God say, ‘You were kind of weird, but pretty good nonetheless.’”