Filed under: Crazies
My craziest roommate, perhaps under the misguided impression that in an apartment with four people she can use all the facilities at any time without actually interacting with people, has a habit of running out of the common room whenever anyone else walks in. It’s hard not to take this personally, but it’s harmless.
I avoid spooking our kitchen bunny when possible, but I was chatting on my cell phone this afternoon towards dinner time and getting hungry. Finally I decided that I was being unreasonably accommodating, and I wandered into the kitchen area with my phone and a defrosted chicken breast. I tentatively scanned the terrain – The Fearful One was at the sink. She didn’t immediately flee. Perhaps she was being brave, perhaps I was blocking her speedy exit. I was impressed with her fortitude, but tried to ignore her so she wouldn’t become self-conscious.
As I talked and put my chicken in the pan, a little herb here, a little garlic there, I saw her moving out of the corner of my eye. I moved quickly. I was almost done in the kitchen when I looked up and saw that she had flanked my left wing and I was now directly in the line of fire. My hostile audible presence, lasting all of two minutes, had threatened her so much that she ran for her clock radio, plugged it in, strategically positioned it on the counter top where I was working, and pointed the blaring radio on me like a machine gun.
Filed under: And Then I Found Ten Dollars.
“I would sit in the back of the Jehovah’s Witness meetings and think, ‘This would be much worse if I was sober.’”
“Truck!” *crunch*
“I think you might be looking for someone boring.”
“Don’t you think you might languish in the High Schools? I see you as more of a Classics PhD student.”
“So, in Ch. 14 of the Iliad, if Hera was armed with the weapons of feminine seduction in her ‘battle’ with Zeus, what weapons did Zeus… uh, never mind, let’s move on.”
“You are, by far, the best person with grades ever.
“That’s spelled t-a-p-a-s, NOT t-o-p-l-e-s-s.”
“Atque ego hunc non video… heu.”
“Someday we’ll get to Heaven, and I’d just hate to have God say, ‘You were kind of weird, but pretty good nonetheless.’”
